By Tim Cerantola
My Christmas shopping is steeped in tradition. As each Christmas approaches, I observe a special custom without fail. Every year, on December 24th at about 4:31 pm, I begin my Christmas shopping.
What an exciting time it is, as I fill my Christmas shopping basket full of festive cheer and last minute gift desperation.
Jostling and roughhousing with the other men who have left their shopping to the last minutes before the shops close. Oh what a lovely festive atmosphere it is, as hordes of cantankerous, desperate men get together in department stores and share a merry friggin’ Christmas here, a “get out of my way” there - and perhaps even a celebratory poke in the eye, if that’s what it takes to secure a useless Christmas trinket or toy. Yes, sometimes two wrongs are only the beginning. As you can well imagine, purchasing Christmas gifts can become a full-contact sport.
Still, it is under these trying conditions that I usually select many wonderful, awe-inspiring, well thought out gifts for those that I love so dearly.
Let’s see, last year I selected Donny Osmond’s Christmas Collection for the kids, a “Cheeses of the World” assortment for my wife (imagine, someone went all around the world collecting cheese) and, a couple of matching tea mugs with naked elves dancing on the side (well, it looked like they were dancing) for Mom and Dad. And, of course, I scooped up a box of chocolate for my bum! I always buy my bum something for Christmas.
Never the less, as a married man with nearly a quarter century of delirious marital bliss under my belt, I’ve perfected Christmas shopping in 29 minutes or less. And so, I will try to help some of you lost men out there so that you might avoid some of the pitfalls of Christmas shopping. I will provide you with a few winner gift ideas sure to please the woman in your life. Yes, I will likely save your life. (You can thank me later).
Now I imagine some of you have already begun your shopping. A few of you have probably already completed your shopping (you wankers). But for the rest of us who live by the manly code, “never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together” - allow me to teach you “the way.” For I am a firm believer in the old adage, “give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a minute, but set that man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.” But, as usual, I digress.
Yes, I write this for you men out there who have great difficulty selecting gifts. I imagine, as Christmas quickly approaches, many of you probably still don’t know what to buy her. Well, do you?
Of course not! Only God knows what she wants and even He isn’t completely sure. She changes her mind so often even a supreme being has trouble keeping up. So, what should you buy the love of your life?
First off, lets start with what the love of your friggin’ craptastic life doesn’t want.
I can guarantee that your woman does not want anything that requires vacuum bags. She also does not want anything that slices or dices. She does not want a perfume that’s called “Garden Fresh” or “Febreze” - even though Febreze does sort of sound French. You’ve probably already established that she doesn’t want anything that smells like you. If she did, she wouldn’t always buy you cologne. But like I always say to my wife, if you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
DO NOT buy your wife a toaster for Christmas. If you do, plan to leave town. “But honey, it’s a four slicer” will in no way repair the damage a gift toaster can do to a marital relationship.
In most states and provinces, giving you wife and toaster for Christmas is legal grounds for divorce. Still, Toaster Syndrome is very common this time of year. Many men, in an attempt to please the woman in their life, succumb to the ever-alluring draw of shiny kitchen appliances. This can lead to a Christmas disaster. If you don’t think things can get any worse, it’s probably because you lack sufficient information.
However, should you happen to make this unfortunate mistake, before this thing goes viral, remember, this gift selection must be quickly treated with expensive jewelry and a seriously healthy amount of groveling on Boxing Day. Fortunately, most women will agree that men are entitled to be stupid now and again - mind you, some of us do tend to abuse the privilege.
Now, if you want your love goddess to remain in your life, relatively free of hostility, here are some helpful tips when deciding what to buy her. If the gift you have in mind for her is dishwasher safe, has a non-stick surface or cool touch handles - your own handles, (if you catch my drift), will likely remain cool during the Christmas season!
If you want to continue living in blissful wedded harmony, her gift should be of the silk, satin, gold, silver and/or precious stone categories. And, if you merely want to remain a living, breathing person, it should not be made of polyester, vinyl, aluminum or anything with a Teflon coating.
So, to further drive home the point guys, A Non-Stick, Aluminum Reinforced, Plastic Cheese Tray With a Handy Polyester Carrying Bag… is a VERY, VERY BAD idea!
So, what does the woman in your life really want?
Well, your Venus in blue jeans probably wants you to buy her something that’s personal. Something that’s a reflection of how well you know her and how you feel about her. (GET HER JEWELRY BONEHEAD!)
Naturally, you’ll be tempted to buy your love goddess a stainless steel oven roaster, but resist the temptation and go for the jewelry counter.
When it comes to Christmas stockings, books, little tins of shortbread, music tapes or candy are nice. You may also want to give some token presents to her family, and this is an inexpensive way to do so. Remember, you do not want to offend her family at Christmas - wait until New Years for that.
But, most important of all, remember, you don’t necessarily have to give extremely expensive gifts to ensure a happy Christmas. If your relationship is based on material possessions and their value, it’s not a relationship - it’s an exercise in wealth re-distribution.
The main thing is men, you must reach inside and give of yourselves - but that doesn’t mean showing up empty handed, wearing nothing but a grin and a Santa hat.
