Psychology: Questions to Consider.

Growing Up In An Alcoholic Household

If someone close to you has, or has had, a drinking problem, the following questions may help you in determining whether alcoholism affected your childhood or present life:

1. Do you find yourself constantly seeking approval, acceptance, and affirmation?

In certain aspects, yes.  It’s not that I seek accolades or status and power, it’s moreso trying to balance the awful negativity of my own mind.  I am self-aware enough to realize that some of these things I feel have no true basis and yet… Still I feel them.  It helps me in those heavier times to hear the approval from those I love - helps me remember that it really just is “my stupid head”.

2. Do you fail to recognize your own accomplishments?

Hahahaha….  Do I even have to answer this one?  See Question 1.  It directly relates to this one.  Honestly, as I’m growing older and working through some of the issues, i have far fewer problems seeing my “worth”.  It’s not always clear and it’s not always easy but compared with five years ago - it’s a huge difference.

3. Do you fear criticism?

I used to.  It really kept me from doing a lot of things.  I hated it because I am self-critical to a fault and then to add insult to that injury… It’s a double-rejection and I couldn’t handle it.  I don’t see it the same anymore.  Honestly, it’s probably because I care less.  Those who want to be critical or criticise my choices, talents or ideas have no place in my life anymore.

4. Do you overextend yourself?

Yes.

5. Have you had problems with your own compulsive behavior?

Not really.  I tend to catch my “compulsions” before they run too rampant.  I guess that defeats the purpuse of having them but… My compulsions tend not to be of the “garden variety”.

I am not an excessive spender, addict or gambler.

I don’t drive recklessly.

My biggest compulsion when faced with painful situations is to run.  I want to hide and run where no one can hurt me anymore.

6. Are you a perfectionist?

Yes.

7. Do you feel uneasy when your life is going too smoothly? Are you continually anticipating problems?

Wow.  The simplest answer:  Yes.

I constantly anticipate problems because there has never been a point in my life where I had the chance to just stop and “catch my breath”.  It’s always been that struggle to push forward only to come within fingertips of realizing a dream, only to have Life pull the carpet out from underneath of me.  It’s happened time and time and time again.

I’ve never gotten a break.  I’ve had to work for everything and anything I’ve ever gotten in this world.  Not just the typical “work for it” character building.  I’ve had to push hard enough to cry and to bleed, over and and over and over again.

It’s why I have no faith in the promises of others anymore.  It’s never been proven to me that they hold any weight at all.

8. Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

If by alive - you mean emotionally pained?  Sometimes.  And that’s temporary for me after all, because at a certain point, when the pain is too heavy, I simply shut myself down.

9. Do you respond with anxiety to authority figures and angry people?

Yes.  I am relatively meek when it comes to authority figures.

10. Do you still feel responsible for others, as you did for the problem drinker in your life?

No.

11. Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for yourself?

Dear God, yes.

12. Do you isolate yourself from other people?

See Question 11.

13. Do you feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of you?

Sometimes.  Depends on the individual.  I don’t feel that society as a whole takes advantage of me.

14. Do you have trouble with intimate relationships?

Only in forming them.  It takes a great deal of trust to get me to that point and it’s one of my hardest hurdles - to trust.

15. Do you confuse pity with love, as you did with the problem drinker?

No.  Never did.

16. Do you attract and seek people who tend to be compulsive?

No.

17. Do you cling to relationships because you are afraid of being alone?

I used to.  I got over that when Ana left.  I had to make peace with the person I was (and am).  I had to learn to - at the very least - accept myself, flaws and strengths alike.

18. Do you often mistrust your own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?

Mine, no.  Others, yes.

19. Is it hard for you to express emotions?

Incredibly and almost impossibly.

20. Do you think you’ve been affected by someone else’s drinking?

Gee… You tell me, Einstein.